Changing The Settings

I woke up at 4 this morning.

I have a math test later but that’s not why I’m up.

I decided to play Spider Solitaire to pass the time. I haven’t played in a while and I was having a lot of trouble. I usually don’t have this much trouble and then I realized why. Someone had reset the settings to Advanced. I play Beginner so I set them back and went on to an enjoyable challenge.

Wouldn’t it be great if I could reset other things in life?

What if I could go back and reset my brother’s response to our father’s death? What if instead of trying to drown out the incredible pain with alcohol I could reset his coping mechanism to reliance on God? I’ve always said I wouldn’t change my life because it made me who I am and I’m pretty comfortable with this strong person who depends on God for her strength but once in a while …

I’d rather have a family than strength.

Once in a while I wish I could run back and keep the phone from ringing at 4 am. Once in a while I wish I could stop the knowledge of his death from being ushered in on the arm of Peace. Once in a while I wish there were no reason to be strong for my brother and mother. Once in a while I wish I could avoid the ridicule of going to school to take a math test on the day my father died. Once in a while I wish my brother hadn’t stopped at the liquor store after dropping me off at school.

It’s 4 am. I have a math test later. And it has me thinking about another time I was awake at 4 and had a math test later.

I can’t change the settings of the past.

So I accept them.

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